An Australian ventriloquist

An Australian ventriloquist visiting Wales walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun.

Ventriloquist: "G'day Mate! Good looking dog, mind if I speak to him?"

Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."

Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."

Villager: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)

Dog: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and
takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Villager: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool"

Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)

Horse: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me, brushes me down
often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."

Villager: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Villager: "The sheep's a fucking liar."

Vaseline

So there's this guy who meets a girl in a bar. They talk most of the night and arrange to get together the next night for a date. He tells her he'll come by about 7 on his motorcycle that he's buying tomorrow. So he goes and buys this bike, but it's an older bike and the guy he's buying it from tells him to get some Vaseline to put on the points when it rains to keep them from rusting, so he stops at the drug store on the way to this girls house and gets some Vaseline. He gets to the girls house and is invited in to dinner with her parents and younger sister. His date tells him "We have a rule in this house. Whoever talks first at dinner has to do ALL the dishes." He looks around and there are dishes piled EVERYWHERE, ceiling to floor, new dishes in the shelves cause they buy new ones because no one has talked at dinner for several years. He's thinking, "Damn. I gotta make somebody talk, or I'm gonna get stuck doing all these dishes." They get to the dinner table and he's trying to think of how to make somebody talk. So, he reaches over and starts playing with his dates panties under the table. Her dad sees this, and is obviously pissed off, but doesn't say a word. Seeing this isn't working, he picks his date up and lays her up on the table, rips her panties off, and starts fuckin'. Dad's REAL pissed off now, but still doesn't say anything. He's thinkin’, "Hmmm. Try something else." So he grabs Mom, tosses her up on the table, and goes to work on her. Dad's mad as HELL now, but still doesn't say anything. This guys getting desperate, so he grabs little sister.....tosses her up on the table. Now Dad's REALY pissed off now, looking around the room, trying to find his shotgun.....still not a saying a word. Just then, there's this big clap of thunder outside. The guy remembers the points on the bike, and it's about to rain. He jumps up, and pulls the vaseline from his pocket; he accidentally makes eye contact with the Dad. Dad's eyes get big, and he stands up and says, "ALRIGHT!!! I'll do the damn dishes."

Have a good one. 

No wonder Man U are having a dodgy season! 

Tommy Cooper Jokes

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.

Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. " "Is it common? " "It's not unusual."

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy"

Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside "How's that?" "Don't you start"

"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's." "Well you can't say fairer than that then"

Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!

What's brown and sounds like a bell? DUNG

So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'"

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road’.

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round." The other one says "so are you, you fat bast**d!"

Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

A man gets on a train and sits next to a blonde reading a book called Sex Statistics. 'Any good?', he asks. 'Fascinating American Indians have the widest pr*cks, and Polishmen the longest. By the way, I'm Jane.' 'Hi,' he says. 'I'm Tonto Palawlaski.'

A man walked into the doctors, The doctor said " I haven't seen you in a long time " The man replied "I know I've been ill"

A man walked into the doctors, he said "I've hurt my arm three times in the same place" The doctor said "well don't go there any more"

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.

My dog was really barking at everyone the other day. Still, what can you expect from a cross-breed.

I was driving down the motorway with my bird the other day when we both got a bit frisky and decided to do something about it. So we decided we'd take the next exit, but it was a turn-off.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

(& 4 the scientifically minded) A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, 'I think I've lost an electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first says, 'Yes, I'm positive... '

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad or my older brother Colin or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.'

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"

I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

Two prostitutes standing on a street corner. One says to the other, "have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" The other replies, "No, but I've been swung around by the t*ts!"

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

"Tommy Cooper was in a taxi and when he got to the end of his journey and paid his fare, the cab sat there waiting for his tip. Tommy gave him a tea bag and said, "Have a drink on me."

You know those Mange-tout? They're really nice but I couldn't eat a whole one

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"

Only in Britain

Only in Britain... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in Britain... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in Britain...  do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a DIET coke.

Only in Britain... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.

Only in Britain... do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and put our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

Only in Britain... do we buy hot dogs in packs of ten and buns in packs of eight.

Only in Britain... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

Only in Britain... are there handicapped parking places in front of a skating rink.

DID YOU KNOW

3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.

142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.

58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.

31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.

19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.

British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents.

101 people since 1999 have had to have broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet.

18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.

A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.

5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of control Scalextric cars.

And finally.........in 2000 eight Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet!