CARS TO BLAME FOR EVIL GENERALLY

There was shock this week as it emerged that cars are to blame for all the evil in the world. The shock verdict came from a top secret government report to be published later this month and entitled, "The Economy Could Be A Bit Fucked - Finding Ways To Make More Cash… And Fast".
"Cars really are the root of all the planet's woes," admitted government spokesman Lambglot Slightly. "For one thing, they cause global warming which is the biggest threat to face this country at the moment and certainly a bigger threat than, say, starting an inexplicable war and then being puzzled when fanatical Muslims keep plotting to blow up London. Of course, it's not just global warming. The car also causes cancer, paedophilia, rape, pestilence, scurvy and never being able to find the bloody kitchen scissors when you need them. Thankfully, this government has discovered that all these problems can be made to go away by taxation. Lots of lovely soft target taxation. Mmm".

Whilst central government continues to work on new plans to banish the evil of cars with the sword of tax, one local authority is already taking the initiative to prevent cars from causing more misery and mobility in the world. The council of Grunting, in Pain, has already approved plans for a new scheme in which residents' parking permit charges will be levied in direct proportion to the stylishness of your clothes and how well spoken your children are. "This is entirely fair scheme," said spokesman Partly Smnnr. "We believe it will encourage people to think twice before having a reasonable amount of money which we're then going to take off them on some spurious environmental basis that doesn't quite make sense".

However, the government itself was quick to promise that although cars are the root of all income, it will be looking at other measures to save the world. "We're not simply picking on cars of course," Lambglot Slightly admitted. "Domestic heating and airline travel are two areas that we are looking in to as well. I personally have decided that domestic heating is the best way to keep my six bedroom house warm, and to celebrate that discovery I'm now flying to France for a two week skiing holiday. Mmmm".

Meanwhile, Conservative leader Dave "Dave" Cameron was happy to join in the blathering; "I am speaking now," he said. "Listen to me speaking in a nice voice. I think it's clear that I agree with whatever this is about, and I have shown this agreement by not wearing a tie. I like trees. Yea kids. Clouds are nice" A spokesman later admitted that Mr Cameron was himself a major source of pointless CO2.


Extracted from sniffpetrol.com

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