Georgina Baillie

There has been a lot of fuss about voice mail messages left on Andrew Sachs phone by Russell Brand and Jonathan Ross regarding Russell having shagged his granddaughter, all on a BBC radio 2 show. Thousands of complaints have followed by 'Angry of Tonbridge Wells' demanding the sacking of the presenters etc etc. Am I completely alone in thinking that it was actually quite funny. It's not as if the lady in question, Georgina Baillie, is a nice little choir girl. She is an exotic dancer and glamour model. I'm sure she can put up with a bit of stick and this is just the publicity she would crave to push her into the mainstream. I bet she will be on 'Celebrity Big Brother' next and be making a small fortune out of appearances in magazines such as Nuts. If Sachs had kept his appointment to appear on Brand's show he wouldn't have been subjected to the voice mails and his granddaughters career would never have taken off as well as it will now.

World record sandwich? Iranians eat evidence

Having seen the food at parties disappear in seconds whilst visiting Iran this story really comes as no great surprise.

Iran failed Friday to register what it said would be the world's largest sandwich in the Guinness book of World Records after people rushed forward and began eating it -- before it was measured.

Event organisers had planned to stuff the 1,500-metre-long sandwich with 700 kg of ostrich meat and 700 kg of chicken, and display it in a park in the capital Tehran.

But as the sandwich was being measured, chaos ensued. The giant snack was gone in minutes, a Reuters witness said, leaving the three Guinness representatives present with a dilemma.

One of the event's organisers said video footage of the sandwich would be sent to Guinness officials.

"We still think the sandwich will be recorded in the Guinness book because of all the evidence and footage that we will send them," Parvin Shariati said.

Daddy's Bad Girl

Some news to cheer the heart at long last. It was revealed this week that Yasmin Fostok, 27, the daughter of the radical Islamic cleric Omar Bakri Mohammed, is a pole dancer.

Bakri preached that all women should be covered from head to toe. Banned from the UK he now lives in Lebanon. He did try to get back when the Israeli's bombed Beirut but was stopped from doing so.

Sadly, since the news broke in The Sun, Yasmin has been moved out of her Catford apartment to a safe house by police to protect her from attacks by Muslim extremists.

It transpired that Bakri actually paid for her boob job, her telling him that she felt she would be a better mother with larger breasts, but she obviously had second thoughts about motherhood and has put her assets to a more profitable cause.

Holy Frog

The Vatican has been getting into a tizzy over this exhibit at a museum in northern Italy, depicting a crucified frog holding a tankard of beer and an egg. The Pope himself has called it blasphemous.

Anything that upsets the Pope and the rest of his followers has to be a good thing in my book.

I'm not a great fan of modern art but in this case I will make an exception.

Off on holiday

I'm off this Friday on a one month trip to Armenia, Iran and India. Hopefully this will solve the lack of things to write on this page and I will have some nice pictures to post at the end of August.

Goodbye Ken. Missing You Already!

It was pretty close but we have managed to get rid of Ken and thus the fears that the loathsome, expensive and pointless congestion charge will spread like a cancer all over London. It would have been inevitable that the 'emission' zone currently aimed at commercial vehicles would have embraced private cars before long as well. Hopefully Boris will also stop the practise of doing away with indented bus stops. Ken had them stopping in the main carriageway, thus purposefully holding up cars.

It remains to be seen how Boris manages the other issues, such as law and order, the 2012 Olympics, etc. Hopefully less of our money will be wasted on dubious minority groups as well.

Of course, not everything Ken did was bad. He did get rid of those filthy pigeons from Trafalgar Square despite pressure from some daft 'save the pigeons' campaigners.

2008 Darwin Awards

You've been waiting for them with bated breath, so without further ado here are the 2008 Darwin awards



Eighth Place
In Detroit , a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

Seventh Place
A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who 'totally zoned when he ran', accidentally, jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.

Sixth Place
While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom! When it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

Fifth Place
Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burgling. Death was caused when the long flash light he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

Fourth Place
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

Third Place
After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up! and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.

HONORABLE MENTION
Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice the window was closed.

RUNNER UP
Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arr ival at the midpoint ofthe bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable, lay near by. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.

AND THE WINNER IS...
Zoo keeper Friedrich Riesfeldt ( Paderborn , Germany ) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded. The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves.... 'Shit happens'

IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING THEMSELVES FROM THE GENE POOL

Vote for Boris

It's only one week Thursday when we have the opportunity to rid ourselves of the car hating Ken Livingstone. Don't waste the chance.

Desert Safari

A good holiday over the last couple of weeks to Iran and Dubai. There was plenty to see in Esfahan and Shiraz, Iran. The locals are friendly as well.

The second week was spent in Dubai, largely chilling out, but one highlight was the desert safari. One of our fellow passengers was quite ill with being thrown about in the 4X4 vehicle but me and the wife survived to enjoy the barbeque and belly dancing at the end of the trip.

Fags, Booze and Food

At last the truth is out. Us smoking, drinking over eaters actually cost the state less than so called 'healthy people'. The serious illnesses that we will eventually succumb to are cheaper to treat in the long run than the ageing disorders suffered by those that led a blameless lifestyle. Read the article here.

CLICK

This doesn't even take into account the vast amounts of tax revenue raised by the government from smokers and drinkers.

Rather than condemn us as pariahs all you healthy 'keep fit' sorts should be thanking us, preferably by buying us a pie and a pint.

Konnie Huq leaves Blue Peter

This article by Richard Morrison in today's Times just about sums it up.

Dads for Konnie

Helen of Troy, Cleopatra, Sheherazade, Bardot: throughout history, bewitching beauties have risen and fallen like meteors in the night sky, briefly dazzling all who gazed upon them. Now, it seems, the divine Konnie Huq is also destined to sink slowly beneath the horizon of human consciousness. I realise, of course, that all Blue Peter presenters sooner or later have to “move on”: usually a BBC euphemism for “sink without trace”. But I had hoped that Konnie, who has lasted longer than any female presenter in the programme’s history, would be spared the chop. After all, a very large segment of Blue Peter’s core audience � namely, males aged 35 to 95 � switch on solely to ogle her in silent reverence. Indeed, I know some families in which the kids can’t stand Blue Peter, but are forced to watch by their besotted dads.

Is it too late to organise a campaign to save Konnie? We could all promise to do very Blue-Peterish things � like rigging the phone-votes � if it would help.

Iran

A picture of my wife, Meena, enjoying a trip to the mountains close to her residence in northern Tehran last week. Most people think of the Middle East being hot and dry but that's not always the case. In Tehran at the moment the temperature ranges from -10c to -22c and there is thick snow.

It's a pity that Iran isn't more favourable to tourism due to the political and religious situation at present. There is a lot to see and some wonderful scenery. The mountains to the north of Tehran are higher than the Alps and would make a wonderful skiing destination.

Maybe one day...........................