An Australian ventriloquist

An Australian ventriloquist visiting Wales walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun.

Ventriloquist: "G'day Mate! Good looking dog, mind if I speak to him?"

Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."

Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."

Villager: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)

Dog: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and
takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Villager: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool"

Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)

Horse: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me, brushes me down
often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."

Villager: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Villager: "The sheep's a fucking liar."

Vaseline

So there's this guy who meets a girl in a bar. They talk most of the night and arrange to get together the next night for a date. He tells her he'll come by about 7 on his motorcycle that he's buying tomorrow. So he goes and buys this bike, but it's an older bike and the guy he's buying it from tells him to get some Vaseline to put on the points when it rains to keep them from rusting, so he stops at the drug store on the way to this girls house and gets some Vaseline. He gets to the girls house and is invited in to dinner with her parents and younger sister. His date tells him "We have a rule in this house. Whoever talks first at dinner has to do ALL the dishes." He looks around and there are dishes piled EVERYWHERE, ceiling to floor, new dishes in the shelves cause they buy new ones because no one has talked at dinner for several years. He's thinking, "Damn. I gotta make somebody talk, or I'm gonna get stuck doing all these dishes." They get to the dinner table and he's trying to think of how to make somebody talk. So, he reaches over and starts playing with his dates panties under the table. Her dad sees this, and is obviously pissed off, but doesn't say a word. Seeing this isn't working, he picks his date up and lays her up on the table, rips her panties off, and starts fuckin'. Dad's REAL pissed off now, but still doesn't say anything. He's thinkin’, "Hmmm. Try something else." So he grabs Mom, tosses her up on the table, and goes to work on her. Dad's mad as HELL now, but still doesn't say anything. This guys getting desperate, so he grabs little sister.....tosses her up on the table. Now Dad's REALY pissed off now, looking around the room, trying to find his shotgun.....still not a saying a word. Just then, there's this big clap of thunder outside. The guy remembers the points on the bike, and it's about to rain. He jumps up, and pulls the vaseline from his pocket; he accidentally makes eye contact with the Dad. Dad's eyes get big, and he stands up and says, "ALRIGHT!!! I'll do the damn dishes."

Have a good one. 

No wonder Man U are having a dodgy season! 

Tommy Cooper Jokes

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.

Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. " "Is it common? " "It's not unusual."

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy"

Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside "How's that?" "Don't you start"

"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's." "Well you can't say fairer than that then"

Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!

What's brown and sounds like a bell? DUNG

So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'"

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road’.

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round." The other one says "so are you, you fat bast**d!"

Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

A man gets on a train and sits next to a blonde reading a book called Sex Statistics. 'Any good?', he asks. 'Fascinating American Indians have the widest pr*cks, and Polishmen the longest. By the way, I'm Jane.' 'Hi,' he says. 'I'm Tonto Palawlaski.'

A man walked into the doctors, The doctor said " I haven't seen you in a long time " The man replied "I know I've been ill"

A man walked into the doctors, he said "I've hurt my arm three times in the same place" The doctor said "well don't go there any more"

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.

My dog was really barking at everyone the other day. Still, what can you expect from a cross-breed.

I was driving down the motorway with my bird the other day when we both got a bit frisky and decided to do something about it. So we decided we'd take the next exit, but it was a turn-off.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

(& 4 the scientifically minded) A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, 'I think I've lost an electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first says, 'Yes, I'm positive... '

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad or my older brother Colin or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.'

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"

I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

Two prostitutes standing on a street corner. One says to the other, "have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" The other replies, "No, but I've been swung around by the t*ts!"

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

"Tommy Cooper was in a taxi and when he got to the end of his journey and paid his fare, the cab sat there waiting for his tip. Tommy gave him a tea bag and said, "Have a drink on me."

You know those Mange-tout? They're really nice but I couldn't eat a whole one

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"

Only in Britain

Only in Britain... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in Britain... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in Britain...  do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a DIET coke.

Only in Britain... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.

Only in Britain... do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and put our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

Only in Britain... do we buy hot dogs in packs of ten and buns in packs of eight.

Only in Britain... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

Only in Britain... are there handicapped parking places in front of a skating rink.

DID YOU KNOW

3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.

142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.

58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.

31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.

19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.

British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents.

101 people since 1999 have had to have broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet.

18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.

A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.

5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of control Scalextric cars.

And finally.........in 2000 eight Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet!

Going Fishing?

A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife, "Wife, we're going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog."The wife grimaces, "But I don't like fishing!""Look! We're going fishing and that's final.""Do I have to go fishing with you... I really don't want to go!""Right I'll give you three choices... 1 You come fishing with me and the dog... 2 You give me a BLOW JOB.... 3 or you take it up the ass!" The wife grimaces again, "But I don't want to do any of those things!""Wife I've given you three options.. You'll HAVE to do one of them! I'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!"The wife sits and thinks about it. Twenty minutes later her husband comes back, "Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BLOW JOB, or ass?"The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, "O.K. I'll give you a blow job!""Great!" He says and drops his pants. The wife is on her knees doing the business. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her Husband, "Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting... It tastes all shitty!""Yes!" says her husband "The dog didn't want to go fishing either."

Now Vodaphone are deserting them as shirt sponsors who next?  

Frightening

It was very worrying to read that the Bush administration is only offering aid to HIV sufferers in developing countries if they promote abstinance as opposed to the use of condoms. This is religious extremism gone mad. Now it has become clear that his government is trying to block the free access to the 'morning after' pill in the USA on grounds of morality!

Does George and his gang think they are on some sort of religious crusade? As the richest nation on earth this could put any threat posed by Muslim extremists pale into insignificance. We seriously need a Democrat president next time round or the USA could really become a theorocracy.

Americans should remember that George Washington was an aetheist. He refused to attend church any more after being criticised by the priest for leaving before the communion every week!

Need

I regard the things I need as food, water, shelter and warmth with the car and the TV being almost essential items in the modern world. I don't need beer and cigarettes but I enjoy them nonetheless.

Apparently I am wrong though. On a trip to the town centre with my wife today it became clear that we really need a scented candle garden for the dining room table and some cushions and throw to make the bed look prettier when we're not in it, all at a frightening cost. How come I've been geting it wrong all these years?

Bonfire night in Paris

It seems that the French have been getting into the spirit of things over the last few nights. French cities are on fire for 12 nights running thanks to a lot of unhappy people venting their spleen.

Our friends across the channel have always gloated that the British have been too soft on immigration. Maybe now they'll understand that trying to include ethnic minorities in the running of society and giving them a real say isn't such a bad thing. We could still try harder with some of the more orthodox Muslim communities that remain painfully isolated from the mainstream. I don't think they really want Christmas lights abandoned or the banning of piggie banks being issued by banks to children that some of the politically correct idiots have been suggesting. I think they just want to be listened to.

Mind you, the government is skating on thin ice with its propose 'Britishness' test for those seeking naturalisation. When the questions were put to random indigenous people in the street very few of them knew the answers so it does look like a bit of a scam!

Remember, Remember the 5th of November?

I remember as a child at this time of year being stood out in the freezing cold of the back garden while Dad lit fireworks and the autumn garden refuse was burnt in a pile making up the bonfire. We invariably had to wear a thick coat, a scarf and a woolly hat to stay warm. It was even snowing one year.

Nowadays I do have a couple of winter coats in the wardrobe but they rarely ever see the light of day. It is almost bonfire night yet again, the clocks go back one hour tonight and we are basking in an Indian summer. It reached 21 centigrade on Thursday, the hottest October day in the UK since 1888. If this is global warming bring it on baby!! As George Bush and his administration refuse to do anything about it I'm sure he is willing to perservere a few more hurricanes and tornadoes in his neck of the woods. I'm looking forward to lovely tomatoes, some classic British wines and pretty girls wearing next to nothing in the streets all year.

Cool!

Amazing space shot of hurricane Wilma! 

Who loves you? 

Bastards

I drew some cash out of the ATM last night on my way to the pub and, apparently, the machine had been rigged. Some bastard skimmed my card and went on a withdrawal spree without me knowing. The first I knew was when the bank phoned me up to say that they suspected that my card had been cloned as had many peoples cards that happened to use that Nat West ATM at East Croydon Station yesterday.

The bank is to refund the money but, in the meantime, I cannot use my account and have to wait for a new card to be issued. I shall be very careful to shield my pin number in future. Someone must have been peeping. The ATM looked fine to me as well. Goes to show eh!

Wise words! 

No - you're number 6. Number 5 is the one with bigger tits to your left. 

One of the best views of the Japanese Grand prix 

Nice tasteful T shirt 

And try to be quiet whilst drowning!! 

Back to work

Agghhh! After a six week break it's back to work in the Croydon academy for car thieves and dope peddlars. Can't get used to these things called mornings. That reality programme is all over and just a distant memory. The bank gave me a loan to pay off my overdraft and then forgot to take away the overdraft facility which is a stroke of luck. Plenty of loose cash to enjoy in the short term. Had better start working out how to earn more money soon though. Maybe I'll put a kidney up on e-bay. I've been trying to sell a rather nice coffee table and have even come down to a tenner. No takers yet though. Maybe I'll just leave it out the front and hope it gets nicked.

http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/Coffee-table-wood-glass-top-solid-base_W0QQitemZ4403400034QQcategoryZ38205QQtcZphotoQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem

Any takers with a large car?

All Over

That's it all over and Anthony came in first. Not a major surprise as Eugene's decision to take half the prize money on Wednesday probably cost him dearly. As predicted Kinga came fourth and Makosi third.

A good series with lots of arguing and a sprinkling of smut. That would have been better if they'd kept Sam in longer.

The way Makosi was booed was well out of order. She may well have been very devious and come out with some silly comments but she didn't deserve that treatment by the mob - much like the baying crowds at executions during the French revolution. She isn't a child murderer or a suicide bomber after all. In my opinion she made the series with her looks and behaviour, deserving a better response. Her answers in the interview were obviously given under stress. Hope she gets a better chance to reply in the calm of the BBLB studio on Sunday.

Well done Anthony and good luck to Makosi. Let's hope that we see more of her in future.

Craig Gone

What a night. Craig got 30 seconds to get out. He was surprisingly cheerful at his interview. Anthony looks totally lost.

The biggest twist is that Eugene has taken half the prize money after being called to the diary room, unaware that the prize money would have doubled if he hadn't. He is now sitting there wracked with guilt. Makosi and Kinga took it very well but Anthony looked a bit more upset about it all. That is probably some brownie points to Makosi but probably too late to save her from third place at best.

It's all down to Friday night now. It's a two horse race at the moment but will Eugenes decision to take the £50k cost him his place? We wait and see.

Final week

Oh my goodness. Only a week to go until life can return to some sense of normality and I can rename this blog. Derek went last night leaving the last five to battle it out for the prize. There is a show on Wednesday night so can assume that one or two will be leaving then. Let's hope that it's the awful Craig and Kinga who go first.

I have a feeling that my favourite, Makosi, will survive until Friday then be first out leaving Eugene and Anthony to vi for the big prize. My money is still on Anthony.

Derek or Eugene

http://www.channel4.com/bigbrother/

As I predicted, Derek is up for the public vote. It was Eugene's friendship with Derek that has got him up as well. Makosi, Anthony and Craig got two votes each but were safe. Kinga only needed one of them not to vote for her but managed to avoid being nominated at all. The clever money is on Derek to get voted out this Friday.

Not sure how the final week will pan out but, assuming that 3 people will be left in next Friday, It looks as though it will be Makosi, Anthony and whoever survives the vote this Friday. Probably Eugene. I think that when the public start voting for a winner Craig will not last long. Most people are sick of his whinging every time Anthony dares to speak to someone else or disagree with what he says. He is a spoilt idiot who deserves a kick up the arse. Kinga will be the next one out as her outrageous antics since the final nominations will not be received well by Joe Public. Masturbating with a wine bottle on the lawn is probably not a good idea if she fancies getting a sniff of the £100k on offer at the end of next week. Craigs encouragement of her has lost him a few friends as well.

It will all be over soon. I still want Makosi to win. Hopefully she will have shed the tatty weave by then though!

I'm psychic!

I must be psychic. I thought yesterday that it would only be fair to replace Orlaith with Kinga and, low and behold, that's what happened. She's well scatty and immediately got up to romps in the pool but buttered Derek up nicely as well so has won favour all round so far. She has to avoid being nominated by all the housemates this week to avoid Fridays eviction and it looks like she might have succeeded already. It looks like she may get Eugene's nomination though as she didn't see him when she came in and it looked like she snubbed him. I think it was just a mistake.

My prediction is that Derek will be up as Makosi, Craig and Anthony were not impressed with the way he conducted himself regarding Orlaith. It's hard to say who else will be up. Maybe all four of them or Makosi and Craig? Maybe Eugene as he is a bit chummy with Derek. Only time will tell.

Kemal shocker

Kemal got narrowly voted out over Orlaith who walked anyway the following morning. She was a bit of a whinger but didn't deserve the treatment she was getting from Derek who is becoming more evil as the finals draw closer. Let's hope that he can be got rid of soon. It's taken the others a long time to wake up to his tactics.

The big news is that a new housemate is going in this evening. That should upset Derek we hope, especially if it's a girl. I'd give Kinga a chance as she missed out by Makosi's choice a few weeks ago.

Bargain! 

Science is history

A difficult one this week. I really didn't want either out as Science is controvertial and Orlaith gets naked frequently. On the night it was Science by just half a percent of the vote who got evicted. He has made himself unpopular by shouting a lot and not listening but there is a nice bloke underneath all that noise.

Derek is becoming worse as the weeks go on. His nasty inuendo's and gameplay are becoming more exposed. Orlaith spelt it out to Anthony this morning who had been a bit too dense to notice. He is even too stupid to notice that the awful Craig is in love with him and still indulges him in wrestling matches etc. Kemal is just poncing about as usual and actually believes the rubbish that Derek is feeding him, forcing him to confront Makosi the other day while Derek just sat back and grinned. Eugene is becoming a bit more adapted to the ways of the house and steering clear of trouble.

Makosi is well back on top as my favourite. She is still gorgeous despite her afro weave starting to look a bit tatty. I think that Anthony is favourite to win at this point though. I don't mind as long as it isn't the awful Derek, who probably doesn't need the money anyway!

Makosi safe - just!

What a tense evenings TV last night. Beats any drama I've seen recently. Just the look on the housemates faces as the facts were revealed to them was a picture to behold. I didn't waste my 35p on a phone call as it became obvious that Makosi and Vanessa would be up for eviction. When the other 7 had to say who they wanted out Vanessa lost 6-1. Makosi only got a vote from Kemal who is becoming increasingly paranoid about her being a mole. Makosi is doing nothing to alay his fears which is even better. Big Brother added to this yesterday by scrawling "there is a mole in the house" in lipstick on one of the outside mirrored walls.

There is a mole in the house - but is is a little fluffy toy mole which has been secreted somewhere. They jusy haven't found it yet. It is quite amusing watching Kemal trying to unravel something that is all in his own head. He does appear to have convinced Derek that something is amiss.

Despite being horrible about Vanessa on the previous post I felt verry sorry for her last night. She went from safe to evicted in about 40 minutes flat. That didn't give her much time to come to terms with her interview and she did very well considering. Her exit won't have much affect on the house dynamics except that Makosi might have to get closer to Orlaigh and indulge in less gossip. She heard herself being booed last night and must be aware that she has to bitch less to win back favour. Good luck to her. She is still the most charismatic and outrageous person in there and deserves to win.

Makosi 

Voting dilemma

http://uk.news.yahoo.com/features/bigbrother6/

Wow - they've put the cat among the pigeons this week. The three that nominated are spared the public vote although they think that they are up for it. The six that didn't nominate are up for eviction and are blissfully unaware. Added to that, the two with the most votes are going to be voted upon by their fellow housemates to determine which one goes, and that will be live on TV on Friday night.

A quick glance at Yahoo's voting page indicates that Makosi and Vanessa are favourites for the chop. If Vanessa goes so be it. She's as dull as ditchwater anyway and is highly unlikely to get naked or do anything controvertial. Unfortunately, Makosi seems unpopular with the female population these days and is at real risk. That would be awful as she is one of the best characters ever on BB in its history and would be a great loss to the programme. In fact, if she goes I might even wind down my regular commentary. I feel that it is my duty to keep an eye on the Yahoo page and use my vote to try to get Makosi out of that dreaded 'second from favourite' for eviction. Currently that looks like being Science.

C'mon everyone. Vote for Science and save the wonderful Makosi.

Science Stays

Well, knock me down with a feather! I thought that my 35p vote for Maxwell was a waste of money but he went and Science stayed put. Maxwells popularity had waned recently, especially as he indulged in some unhygienic behaviour and his temper got frayed too quickly for most viewers liking. His departure has come as a bit of a shock for Anthony and Craig. They don't know what to do now for the best.

Last weekend antics in the pool made very good viewing, especially on the live streaming which wasn't edited. Makosi really is a bit of a slut when she's had a couple of sherberts. By saying that she could be pregnant after a couple of days she has managed to piss of quite a few people unfortunately. Her amusing fibs have maintained her popularity but that one could alienate a few women so she had better be careful. A much better one yesterday when she convinced Anthony that she had been on a secret mission and that she had nominated Anthony for eviction instead of Maxwell. That did get them going for a bit. Nevertheless, Makosi's smile is worth staying up most of the night to see.

Craig really is a complete wet blanket and maybe it's time he got back to his hairdressers in Norfolk. It seems that the knives are out for Anthony next week though. Derek is very clever and starts the ball rolling the day after evictions each week. Today he got a little group together and started bitching about Anthony. He will just step back now and watch his work escalate with the others. That way he avoids being accused of talking about nominations but gets his own way. It will be interesting to see if Anthony is up this week, especially if it is against Craig.

Of course, it's Vanessa or Eugene that deserve to go as they are both very boring but I suspect that they are so dull that they won't even be noticed when it comes to the nominations.

Davina gave Maxwell a very hard time last night. She obviously wasn't impressed with him. Be interesting to see how he gets along on BBLB this week.

Predictable

http://www.channel4.com/bigbrother/

We got rid of Roberto last week which helped. He was annoying. This weeks events were written down as soon as Makosi hit the red button. Given the task of caring for the three secret housemates in BB's secret garden she used the situation to gain advantage over her arch rival, Saskia. It allowed her to act eccentrically and rile her opponents to attack her verbally. When the task was revealed and the two new housemates introduced, Makosi's odd behaviour was explained and Saskia looked like a bitch. The timing was perfect for Saskia and her favourite lapdog, Maxwell, to get nominated for the public vote. She wasn't helped when Maxwell and Anthony were heard plotting against Makosi so were not allowed to nominate. They weren't to know that Makosi was safe from the public vote anyway as a result of completing her task.

I have been waiting for a long time for someone to actually get it on in the BB house but when Saskia and Maxwell finally got it together it really wasn't very nice to watch. I had to agree with Kemal and wished they would stop it.

With Saskia evicted last night her trio of lapdogs, Maxwell, Anthony and Craig, will have to rethink their strategy. They are outnumbered by the Makosi gang and will face nomination weekly unless they make efforts to get along with them. Maybe Saskia's departure will herald a more peaceful era in the house and true personalities will start to shine through. Craigs 'sucking up' to his new chums is rather worrying. He appears to enjoy being humiliated when he is not bitching about members of the Makosi gang. Maybe Miss Whiplash should be sent into the house to keep him happy.

With regard to the two new housemates, Eugene is a dork of the biggest order. We have all met people like him who are nice but extremely boring. He goes on for ages about nothing and will not last very long. Orlaith (pronounced Orla) is an absolute stunner. I'm not normally one for blonds but she has a figure to die for. The fact that she gets naked and invited all and sundry to feel the results of her boob job is a very good sign. I think she will stay for a while. She shouldn't be underestimated though. She is very intelligent and has a strong character.

I am actually warming to Derek. He might even stay the course. Science and Vanessa have been very lucky not to be subject to the public vote apart from the one week when all were and Lesley left unsurprisingly. As soon as one of them is up they will be out. Kemal is a bit insignificant surprisingly. His role as the house 'diva' is being undertaken rather more effectively by Makosi who lies on the Queens throne at the end of the bedroom holding court for substantial periods of the day. Her subjects lie prostrate around her. Makosi is playing the game (and don't forget that this is a game show with a substantial cash prize) with great skill and looks like she is the favourite to win - at the moment anyway!

Vote for Roberto this week

The good old British public did their worst last week and voted out the pretty Sam, keeping in the two old gits. To be fair Derek has grown on me recently. He is becoming a lot more laid back about the adventure. However, he does keep threatening to leave. Roberto should be the one to go this week. I know that he helps to stir it up but he does give me the creeps.

Also, if he goes then Derek may well go as well voluntarily rather than be the only older housemate. That would leave the way clear for the producers to get one of the reserve housemates out of hiding and into the house. Preferably this would be a babe. They lost three girls in the first three weeks which has left things unbalanced.

Vote for Roberto!

Loved the 'speed dating' task last week and the snog between Sam and Makosi. Bet that has been viewed a few times on the internet!

Vote for Derek - Not Sam please!!

It looks like Sam may as well pack her bags. The majority of voters in the series are women and they just hate any other pretty women. It's been proven in previous series that the prettiest and most promiscuous housemates are out as soon as they are up for the public vote.

Roberto is so annoying that people want to keep him in to sustain the arguments which is understandable. Our best bet, chaps, is to vote for Derek. I don't think it will save Sam though and we will not be able to see her getting it on with Makosi anymore. It will only leave 3 girls in as well, and only Makosi is any fun.

All will be revealed later this-evening.

And now - bye Lesley

The second evictee is the ghastly Lesley. I voted for her myself as she made the 'fit' Samantha's life a misery and she was swamping Vanessa. Hopefully Vanessa, who is from my home town after all, will be able to blossom a bit now and join the fun gang led by Maxwell instead of the bitching group of Derek, Craig and Roberto. If anything they are the biggest bunch of old women in the house and, with any luck, they will be the next ones out.

Nonetheless, the worrying trend set in past years is continuing. That is that the girls are the early casualties leaving the house a bit short of totty. Not that Lesley could be described as totty except after at least eight pints.

The house is divided between the Maxwell gang comprising of himself, Anthony and Saskia, the three witches (or should that be bitches albeit they're all male) plus five loose cannons. Science is a hard one to guage. he's very opinionated and likes the sound of his own voice but nobody elses. However, he does show a good nature occasionally so should stay a while but I don't reckon he's a winner. Kemal is outspoken but speaks the most sense during his regular spats with Roberto. Usually the 'outrageous gay' with a heart of gold would be favourite to win but I reckon he only stands a chance if Maxwells popularity fades. Sam appears to be unpopular with a lot of her fellow housemates despite her good looks. Not sure why though. Good looks alone is a vote loser with the female viewers so she probably won't last very long. Unfortunate as she is good eye candy. Vanessa has been part of the bitching circle but a silent partner until she blabbed about nominations causing the inevitable departure of Lesley. That just leaves the sexy Makosi. Since making herself unpopular during the first week on purpose as part of her task she has now swung the inmates opinions around in her favour. She is great to look at and a good bet on inpromptu nudity. That's got to be a bonus. I reckon that she, Kemal and Maxwell could be the last three in there with Maxwell favourite to win at the moment.

Only time will show the wiser!

Bye Mary

Pity in a way as she went a lot less looney just before she got evicted. We'll be seeing more of her on BBLB during the forthcoming week anyway. I did vote for her as Craig is such an idiot that he provides more entertainment. Also, a woman is more likely to nominate sexy Sam. The only probable chance of a bit of nooky.

Who's next we wonder? I think that Vanessa's days are numbered if she gets nominated unless she starts to show a personality. However, Derek and Roberto have got to be favourites for the chop as they appear to be upsetting everyone. I wouldn't mind seeing the back of either of them. Just keep the remaining totty in situ please.

First Nominations

http://www.channel4.com/bigbrother/

A great swist to the story. The nominations didn't count for much as Makosi succeeded in getting the most nominations along with Sam and Roberto. She got to choose the two to be nominated all on her own. Mary is a bit of a surprise choice but she is depressing. Craig is a complete pratt and deserves to go. He is a bit of a character nonetheless but has been swamping Vanessa so, hopefully, if he does go (the bookies have him as favourite) Vanessa might say something rather than just nod and smile.

The most fortunate bit is that, if Makosi hadn't been on a mission, the nominees would have probably been Roberto and Sam. Roberto would have been no loss but the great British voters are mostly women and would have evicted Sam without any doubt. Women hate any other female who is pretty, knows it and flaunts it. Apart from Makosi, Sam is the only real peice of eye candy in the house so it's important she stays. Vanessa could be OK but she wears too much. Mary is just plain odd and the other two girls look like a dead heat in a zeppelin race. I know some blokes like big tits but these two are over the top and grotesque.

Apart from the nomination story these must be the most argumentative lot in BB's history. I think that Makosi's mission was a great idea and really set them all off. She is now sitting back and enjoying the show. Science is an irritating 'in your face' know all and I almost felt sorry for Roberto last night when he wouldn't let a row drop. Anthony and Maxwell are in there for the best reasons. A free holiday and a laugh. Saskia could be OK but just goes off on one occassionally. Big mistake trying to argue with the looney Mary. Derek and Vanessa are just trying to steer clear of trouble and providing very little entertainment. Lesley is just thick so good for stirring up and spreading gossip. Kemal is good television. He lights the blue touchpaper and stands well clear. Excellent!

It's looking like the only chance of a shag might be between Sam and Anthony. She is definitely a bit of a slut but the chances are that the female voters at home will hate her and get rid of her too early. That would be bloody typical!

The Lovely Makosi 

It's Back

http://www.channel4.com/bigbrother/

I have been out of the country the last couple of years and suffering withdrawal symptoms from this show. I can see that I will be annoying the missus greatly as I sit up until 3am every day watching the housemates arguing about bugger all. My mother thinks that it is a show for moron's and my friends are of the opinion that only sad people and voyeurs can possibly be interested in this rubbish. I guess that this must sum me up then!

It's all started great with Makosi being given the task of getting the most nominations from her housemates in tomorrows rounds. She has been doing a great job of irritating them but I fear that her stunning looks may cost her some votes. Let's hope not as it would be a travesty if she had to leave. In the past the stupid British public have voted out the most interesting characters too early. Keep the girls in I say and get rid of that pompous Italian twat who is constantly looking at the camera and speaking directly into the microphone. I never trust anyone who excercises in the morning.

BB is the original and the best. Other TV companies have attempted reality shows but not come close - especially the ones with C list celebrities who are up their own arses even though nobodies ever heard of them. Happy days for the next 11 weeks apart from the trouble and strife giving me GBH of the earole!

Indian woman chops off husbands penis

http://uk.news.yahoo.com/050521/80/fjhs3.html

Thus explodes the myth of demure little Asian brides. I suppose her husband was taking the piss a bit by actually bringing a prostitute home for tea!

Next years UK entry for Eurovision? 

Eurofarce

http://www.maltamedia.com/news/2005/oa/article_6106.shtml

At least the Maltese seem to have analysed the problem. The Eurovision song contest, yet again, was nothing to do with singing but more to do with cliques of countries voting for eachother (Balkans, Nordics etc) despite how horrendous the song was. This left the four countries that have a better musical reputation and who actually fund the whole competition huddled together at the bottom of the pile. That is the UK, France, Spain and Germany. To be fair the French song was very dissapointing this year. They normally do better. The other three were as good if not better than the rest.

Since the former Soviet States have joined the merry throng there has been a worrying trend to include folk music themes. If Europe is to be a serious threat to US popular music we really must try to be inventive. Not churn out beefed up old folk songs. Maybe we should enter Steeleye Span as our competitor next year?

It's a donkey's life!

http://news.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2005/05/11/udonkey.xml Donkeys on Blackpool Beach that give children rides for a living have been offered a new set of conditions. They can only work a maximum of a 48 hour week, must have at least an hour for lunch, get one full day off and they get free medical care including a dental checkup. Who could begrudge these affable creatures their rights - but wouldn't it be nice if humans were treated as well.

Welcome back 

Welcome back

Over recent years the sparrow population of London diminished to almost zero. Some of the best brains in the country and a campaign by The Independent newspaper sought the reason why but to no avail. Was it some unknown disease or an increase in predators? These noisy but lovable little birds are spread throughout the world and rub shoulders with other exotic species in the tropics as well as the arctic regions.

This year I have noticed a family of at least eight sparrows feeding in my garden alongside the blue tits, robins, blackbirds, starlings and wood pigeons. There is also a pair nesting in the eaves over the front of my house. Although not in the numbers they used to be it's a sign that they may be making a long awaited comeback.

Welcome back old friends.

I regretted not wearing a hat later on! 

I'm tired of computers 

First Blog

Hi. This is my first post. Decided to try out this system as it is a constant update and not a site that appears out of date if left alone for more than a couple of weeks. To see that theory in practise you can check out my iffy website at http://www.geocities.com/geoffhenson